Tuesday, April 8

The Family Maid

Hi Fanta,

What about families who don't want you to pursue your career or education, neither get married to the man of your choice, but more worse, they want you to be living as per their own agenda, be their indirect maid somehow and just being there taking care of everyone in the family but not yourself??

How about such a situation? and if you leave and pursue your career elsewhere, then u r the ungrateful daughter of them and all the good stuff they made for you in past years came to a total lose. What the hell is that? Am i an investment or an asset of the family??

I would like to know your advice about that.

Well, it sure ain't a fun ride.. Not the Arab world, where a girl is supposed to be her family's slave rather than a daughter or a sister. What you've described above is the common case of all the girls living in the Middle East. That is the default. This is how society has designed the role of a female to be. But it surely ain't her inescapable destiny. There ARE solutions.

As you know, girls in our society are brought up on fear. They embrace fear from the day they are born and their families do their absolute best to enforce that fear, feed it and let it grow, as a means of a "control method" that would enable them to manipulate their daughters' lives. The intentions are not necessarily evil or bad.. PROTECTION pops up as the ready-made justification for this "crime". And I call it a crime because that's what it really is.

How can you regain control over your life without upsetting anybody? The answer is GROW UP. It is as simple as that. When you grow up, you make your family realize that it won't be acceptable for you to stay under their thumb for eternity. They will be psychologically prepared for your next step.. which is the "declaration of independence".

Growing up is not easy. It doesn't take place automatically as the years go by. No.. You have to bring yourself up, as long as your family is not willing to do it for you. And I recommend that you read my own story related to this issue here.

What makes families upset is the unexpected outburst or revolution. But if they are prepared for it, it won't be as disastrous as you might think. Regain your life step by step.. You will hopefully reach what you want in the end, with minimal compromises.

Best luck

Friday, December 21

Get Married or Persue Your Dreams?

What will you do if your family wants you to get married and give up all what you are dreaming for??

OK.. So you reached this point when you've just graduated, and while you are considering your future plans, making choices between careers or considering joining a graduate program abroad, your parents are actually on a very different wavelength.. They think it is the right time for you to get married, worried that your chances in finding a good husband will get less by time.

In this case you only have 2 roads to choose from: whether to go after your personal ambitions, in which case you will have to postpone marriage for some time; or to secure a place for yourself as a wife, in the hope that you can go proceed with your academic or professional dreams later on. If you think you can have both at the same time, then I am sorry to tell you that it is impossible.

The choice really lies in your own hands. What are your periorities? Does career or marriage come first? Would you rather be a successful woman, who has a better chance of being a respected wife and an inspiring mother? Or would you rather be an ordinary wife and mother, even if that means that your chances in achieving an above average professional success are minimal?

In life nothing comes for free.. and also nothing can be taken for granted. The way I see it, investing in becoming an independent individual, who has a prestigious career and enjoys financial security, is the best thing a girl can do for herself. We spend years in education in order to improve our choices and increase our alternatives. And I think that no one can argue about the importance of education nowadays. But our world is getting more and more competitive by time.. which means that in order to have a good career you must either start your professional life at an early age to be able to build up a powerful resume, or serve the same aim through higher education that would enable you to become competitive in your field.

A girl who marries upon graduation won't be able to reach the level required to enter competition in the modern job market.. Therefore she will have to settle for an average job with an average or below average pay. She won't have enough time to invest during her first years at work. Indeed, those first years are the most important in establishing yourself in career world. Not being able to spend extra time and put extra effort in your work, means that your chances of promotion will be less than others who joined the job at a younger age, and those who are more productive simply because they got no other responsibilities to tie them down.

This race does not wait for anybody. Unless you give it periority, starting off when you are young and energetic, before your shoulders are weighed down with the responsibilities of marriage and motherhood, you have no hope in catching up with it afterwards.

Those few years that a girl spends to place the foundations for her career and independence, will not reduce her chances in marriage at all. On the contrary, work will make you mature, more responsible and more realistic while taking decisions. These assets will help you while choosing your future husband as well as handling your married life. Moreover, interacting with men in daily life will teach you a lot about them and expose those things which you won't find out easily unless you have actually gained experience in dealing with men. Chances that you will get deceived by someone who proposes will decrease a lot, as you will be able to tell if he is really good or not. Being an independent, working girl will add other admirable aspects to your character. Those are the aspects which only attract the right kind of men, while scaring away the ones who are looking for the young naive girl who can be easily shaped after marriage. In the worst cases, even if your husband turns out to be an awful person, your independence will give you the choice to leave him. You won't be forced to go on with a bad marriage because you don't have another place to live in or you can't afford for your kids. As you grow old, you will be promoted to higher positions, which will not only give you social respect, but will also give your children another reason to be proud of you and to be inspired by your success. If they decide at one point that they want to travel abroad or when the time comes for them to get married, you won't feel lonely or depressed. Your life will be full of purpose, achievements and happiness.

If your family is pushing you to get married, don't give in. Talk to them and let them understand your future plans. Tell them that marriage is part of your plans to ease their worries. If they still insist, you will have to be strong enough in holding on to your beliefs. Only three years will make all the difference in your life, in case you made the best use of them.

I also advise you to read those two articles (weddings and housewives), which I believe will help you further in making up your mind. Hope you find my thoughts to be useful.



Wednesday, December 12

Negative Comments About You on Other Blogs


My dear, give me the chance to ask you a question. It's your first advice to me. What can I do with this [name of a blogger]? May I defend myself and answer him in your blog or don’t care for him any more like I am doing now? His opinion about me made me so angry, because all he said about me is definitely wrong. I know he said that because I prevent him from ever coming to my blog again, and I mean it.. On my dead body can he come again. So, my dear, what would you do if you were me?
You know, I am looking forward to publishing your answer on your blog very soon. Really, I can't wait or stand that. But I am sure that you will do your best to solve this problem.

My best regards.


Dear blogger,

Thanks for trusting me with your problem. Your question is shared by many throughout the blogosphere. You are not alone for sure. Many bloggers are attacked either on their own blogs or on blogs which they visit. This can be due to many reasons which led to a kind of conflict between this blogger and her/his reader. Banning comments on your blog is your right in managing what you own, as long as you have your reasons for doing so. My honest advice to you is to keep things into their normal perspective, without over simplying or exggaterating. Or in other words, if you believe this person is attacking you personally and means to harm your image or feelings, then whether you reply to his comments or not depends on the language he used while talking about you. If his comment was only for the sake of insulting you or hurting you, without any definite argument or opinion in what you write, then I advise you to completely ignore such comments. Because usually those who write insults or use bad language only aim to provoke the person in order to get a negative reaction from her/him. Then it turns into a fight that has no meaning, just because the one insulting needs to get attention and enjoys hurting others. However, if you think that the negative comment you received is criticizing definite things that may be misunderstood about you or about your writings, then you should respond to those claims and express your point of view to clarify issues which led to this misunderstanding. Of course the choice is all yours after all. Hope you find my advice to be helpful.
Best luck.

Tuesday, December 11

Two Heads Are Better Than One

Yup! And I'm willing to share my views with you about anything that occupies your mind. I don't claim to be an expert, but at least you'll hear the opinion of an outsider. You can be sure that your privacy is secured. Plus you'd receive 100% honest advice delivered to your screen. What more do you want?

Send your messages to wfantasia@gmail.com

Replies will be published here on a first arrive first serve basis. Hope to hear from you soon :)